she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
The problem is he wears abercrombie jeans like there's nothing wrong with it
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
HE'S turngign 18teen real soon.k
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
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