Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
just told my prof that "i dont give a fuck" about the final. nothing like a having a signed employment contract already
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
Hardcore start to spring break. Mike is wearing adult diapers because the only stop we are making is for gas.
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
Randomize
