Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize