Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
IDK I WAS CAUGHT UP IN THE TEQUILA SHOTS AND FRIENDSHIP
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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