he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
Randomize
