I just watched Juno. I kind of wish I was in highschool and pregnant
i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
Randomize
