If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
2048oz a keg...divide that by solo cup... comes out to 128 beers...simplifies into 5.3repeating cases...drinkable between two people
and u failed math?
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
Randomize
