im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
if she leaves who will i have to secretly talk about behind thier back
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
Ive been using palmolive to shower with for he last week, dont tell me about not having money. Im heading to the bar r u going.
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
