how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
I think I just need to sleep with both of them to see which I want to date.
You just went from promiscuous to slut in 3.2 seconds.
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
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