I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
She is still out of it but keeps saying ur name she said to tell u dinosaurs aren't real but biscuit with a z made bad choices
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
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