My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
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