what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Randomize
