He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
He tied me to the bed, fucked me and left me tied up until he proved to his room mates that he actually fucked me. But other than that, best sex ever!
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
Randomize
