I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
We did it in the bathroom in Taco Bell. We didn't buy anything before we left, which I thought was rude.
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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