I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
Isiahs hammered. And just came in to get his skateboard and said he has to prove something. This can't end well
i was thoroughly upset that he did not want to be my number 16, who passes that number up?
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
Randomize
