She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
I realized today that I should stop thinking so much with my vagina instead of my brain.
Please tell me this doesn't mean another "surprise road trip" where I spend all my money on gas and the SURPRISE destination is the abortion clinic.
But what if I pay for the gas?
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
I always give him head in random places, it's a guessing game for his cock.
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
Randomize
