If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
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