My entire life is one complicated drinking game
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
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