I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
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My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
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I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
Basically we had a threesome in one room and a fivesome in the next room. Its what I like to call a win win situation.
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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