woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
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