Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
he looked about as manly as a guy in a volkswagen bug can look
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
at least he lost his v-card with a bang... or should i say the clap.
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
Randomize
