We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
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