There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
The Shake Weight not only toned my arms but significantly improved my hand job form and efficiency.
I still can't figure out why that's not in the commercial.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
i hope this doesn't spoil anything but there are vikings and it is awesome
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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