Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
Shitshow foam night was such a success
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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