i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
Ya. My thumbs are those buffalo's, but my legs are spirits and my torso is that Indian guys and my head is the eagle
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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