I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
Upstairs definitely just had sex while I wrote you love poetry. That was a fun experience 🤷🏻♀️
I have a number of responses, ranging in content, tone, and maturity. Choose your destiny...
Randomize
