ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
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I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
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I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
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