If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
Randomize
