Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
We did it in the bar bathroom and the bathroom attendant sold us a condom. I love Nashville
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
Randomize
