You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
Randomize
