I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
I'm towing my little brother down the road on a sixty year old tractor, we're taking up the whole highway, and no one cares. I love South Dakota.
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
Questions: How did Rachel get home? Why did I find both her ID's in my shoes? And does anyone know if she's alive?
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
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