We should go out drinking together soon
I'm still not going to have sex with you
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
You were, but he disappeared after you said you wanted him to get you pregnant so you'd have a child by the time the Boy Meets World sequel starts
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
So I'm guessing that puking on a camper is a straight path to instant termination?
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
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