All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
Hhahaha he is. Omg the new polish friend just took his pants off in front of me. There is something wrong with this nationality.
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
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