I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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