just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
Our motto for the night: BLACK OUT OR BACK OUT.
That's our motto every night.
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
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