I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
we are torturing ourselves with these mediocre cocks
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
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