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Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
I just heard a girl say "We can't go that way, it is a one way street." She was on foot...Nothing worse than girl from the midwest that move to NY to "live out their dream" -the dream of living in a rat and roach infested 200sqft for $2k a month, and get fucked by some recent Ithaca college frat grad...
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
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