I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
Randomize
