if we dont hook up this weekend, im doing both his roommates
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
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