I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
I think I'm still fucked. I can see the electricty going through the street car lines
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
Would it be totally inappropriate to have his frat and our sorority Teebowing our exit from the abortion clinic?
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
Is this a Beer, Vodka or Whiskey kind of problem solving night? It's imperative I stock accordingly.
Questions like that are why I love you.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize
