Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
at the bar. watching boys pee in urinals. when they come out we give them a thumbs up or a thumbs down. probbb shouldn't prop the bathroom door open with a bar stool....
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
Randomize
