I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
i love how cold weather makes identifying sluts easier. is it below freezing? is she wearing a tube top? she's easy.
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Randomize
