I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
so, in conclusion, I think his gf found out about the booty pics
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
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