remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
Randomize
