last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
If you got tons of KY ads on HuluPlus, it's because I hit "relevant" every time.
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
