Good news! Whoever used this stall at Target earlier...not pregnant!
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
Thank you for FINALLY joining the Slutasorus Rex club in this conversation.
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
Randomize
