That arnold schwarzeneger picture looks strikingly similar to paul
Not half as good looking as paul
I'd say paul has bigger bicep peaks, but who am I to judge
I just pynch a tree in the face
WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
Randomize
