I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
Randomize
