You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
Randomize
