this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
I think the "tmi" ship sailed a long time ago, and it took our dignities with it..
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
Randomize
