I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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