just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
most desperate stoner moment might have been when we filled the bong up with pond water
desperate times, desperate measures
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
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