In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
Well, I'm a guy so I don't have one, but if its anything like the inside of my nose, yes, vodka would burn.
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
Hes flirting with her via the sauce packets at taco bell....... I have no words
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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