I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
two questions - what stuff of mine was pawned and who has the pawn tickets.
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
I cant believe im wasting my plan b experience on this guy. I should have saved it for someone special.
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
Either that or he's gagged in a strangers trunk right now.
Well I suppose either way he's learning a pretty tough lesson right now.
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
Randomize
