i just want to meat her and do terribly wonderful things to her vagina...
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
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