i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
You're an independent woman who is defined by her own actions and not by whether or not you have a man. You also have great tits.
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
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