I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
Randomize
