She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
he offered to let me fuck his brother , of course im marrying him
Randomize
