what day is it and did you see me today?
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
25 People Didn’t Realize They Were Talking To Someone Famous
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
21 People Tragically Stumbled Upon A Dead Body
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess