Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Randomize
