i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
That doesn't help it make any more sense. Because now you've brought pinata condoms into this.
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
