ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
You should just construct a mini-city, actually. Then destroy, photograph and post. Who could turn down a dick that conquered a whole city? Craigslist personals wont know what hit it.
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
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